Plaintiff: John, Apartment renter.
Defendant: Rob, John’s roommate
Plaintiff, owner and occupier of apt. 12B, alleges as follows:
NATURE OF THE DISPUTE:
The case is brought to resolve a dispute over the defendant’s horrible taste in everything. As testified by the plaintiff, under oath, Rob enjoys the lowest forms of entertainment available, and much more, often forces his choices on those around him.
1. Case of the Viewing Party:
On Sunday, Sep. 9th, Rob took over the living room for six and a half hours to watch a Toddlers and Tiaras marathon. The defendant would not clear the room, even though the plaintiff had previously secured it for a Breaking Bad viewing party.
Exhibit A: a post it note, with a written agreement signed by Rob, to clear the living room.
When confronted with this exhibit, Rob said he thought the party was cancelled. “Three guys watching TV isn’t a party,” he claimed.
Rob later continued to occupy the living room, and further more, eating very smelly cheeses.
2. Case of the Halloween Costume:
On October 30th, Rob invited me (the plaintiff) to a Halloween party. I gladly accepted, since I knew a third party (“Kate”), whom I have romantic feelings towards, would attend. After hours getting ready, Rob emerged from his room dressed as “the right to bare arms,” wearing a pair of bear arms and holding a rifle. I begged him to change, but he refused. Throughout the party, he embarrassed me with his pun costume, ruining my chances with (“Kate”).
Exhibit B: A pair of furry bear paws shaped gloves.
Plaintiff added: I kept telling him “they’re not even arms, they’re just paws”. But he wouldn’t listen.
3. Case of the Shower Music:
For the past eight months since he moved in, Rob had developed the habit of listening to loud music while he showers. Among albums he plays very loudly are: Miley Cyrus’ “Bangerz,” The soundtrack from This is Us, the One Direction documentary, and a comedy album by Gilbert Gottfried. Every shower he takes is a nightmare. He won’t come out until the album is over, which is not only intolerable to my ears, but also raises the water bill significantly.
When hearing this complaint, the defendant replied he would love to keep the music to himself, but he cannot shower with headphones. He tried, but his pair of 300 dollars Beats were ruined. He weirdly added: “It’s so much fun to shower with albums. I feel like Gilbert is right there in the shower with me”.
Exhibit C: A picture of Gilbert Gottfried and a shower head.
“It’s a pretty fucked up thing to imagine together, right? It’s not just me”, says Plaintiff.
In conclusion, the initiator of this lawsuit asks that the defendant’s two-year contract would be revoked and terminated. He agrees to cover all court charges and security deposit for the defendant, as long as he gets the hell out and takes his stinky cheeses with him.
After careful reading of the lawsuit, I recommend the defendant to be executed immediately.
Exhibit D (by judge): A doodle I made while reading this.